I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Word!
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia