I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
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so, is there a mister shapen head
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.