Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

The government even made aliens boring

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

thank god the sign was there

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy