Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

White parent Vs Arab parents

they should invent a hydrating liquor

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

we did it you guys we saved daylight

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.