Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is this me 😫

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

I hope this email punches you square in the face

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…