him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
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taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Had an epiphany today.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*