I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
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Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
*Seductively hides in the woods
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.