I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
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We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see