I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
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13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
He is just living hist best little life 😊
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.