Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn what did I do next

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

Who’s your best friend?

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote