I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
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Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane