Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

This is painfully accurate 😅

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.