Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw nothing

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.