Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure