Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

🧠

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

classic mixup

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.