Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

I occasionally drink every single night.

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in