I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
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5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
The future is now.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.