I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
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Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician