Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

Lmao

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am