Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???