Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

Freaky Friday 2:

The mom and daughter switch bodies again

The mom doesn’t go back

She keeps stealing children’s bodies

She lives forever

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

A roof is a house hat.