I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
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Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.