I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
![]()
You Might Also Like
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
![]()
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion