I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Smile they said.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”