@sethmeyers

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

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@MartinPilgrim1

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

@QwertyJones3

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

@ConanOBrien

One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.

@thelmaopong

Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.

Because you are a joke.

@DennisDMZ

At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.

@truegritrumble

(Spelling Bee)
JUDGE: Your word is catastrophe.
ME: Y. O. U. R. F. A. C. E.
*all the mics in the room simultaneously drop to the floor*

@monks_19

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

@TheLastPeg

Your ‘Chemistry’ with your girlfriend is great if you remember her ‘Periodic Table’.

@jackiembouvier

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.