I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.