Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

*limbos away from your hug*

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

my lower back watching me try to live my life

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.