Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy