“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
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We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”