@lazerdoov

I can’t prove God isn’t real, but at the same time, I can’t prove that my dog doesn’t run a violent Asian street gang while I’m asleep.

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@vapidaccount

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

@NicestHippo

“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman

@DanMentos

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

@Chumpstring

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

@TheBoydP

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

@daemonic3

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

@Mr_Kapowski

Scrooge: You there boy. What day is it?

Me: Junetober Eleventeenth

@Gupton68

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…