@lazerdoov

I can’t prove God isn’t real, but at the same time, I can’t prove that my dog doesn’t run a violent Asian street gang while I’m asleep.

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@LlamaInaTux

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

@ConanOBrien

I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.

@QwertyJones3

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

@RoosterMustache

WIFE: omg the FBI

ME: thats just female body inspectors

W: why are they here

M: probably all those female bodies we buried

W: o yah lol

@squirrel74wkgn

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

@Marlebean

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

@BonaFideIntent

Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.

@NervousJr

Whenever you’re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there’s people that pay money to exercise.