Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I can’t prove God isn’t real, but at the same time, I can’t prove that my dog doesn’t run a violent Asian street gang while I’m asleep.
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I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
WIFE: omg the FBI
ME: thats just female body inspectors
W: why are they here
M: probably all those female bodies we buried
W: o yah lol
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Whenever you’re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there’s people that pay money to exercise.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.