Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
You Might Also Like
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Cashiers are always checking me out
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD