I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
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Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅