Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.