I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
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Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
i love meeting boys on tinder
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me :
All Day At Night
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The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
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As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?