Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling