I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
You learn something every day
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Just a phase…
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.