I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
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me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
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Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
who wants to go expliring
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My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
The pasta is now
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i prefer mine room temperature.
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.