Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

Co-worker: Why are you crying are you sad??
Me: I’m crying cause I want to punch you in the face but can’t

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash