Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

When the stylist spins you back around

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.