I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
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“no gods no masters” = leo
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
All generalizations are stupid.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo