Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

I feel like one of these would kill a European

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

Meow

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

Already got one

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.