Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!