Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Does this dress make me look cat?

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.