Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

Check your privilege

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

Danger is very dangerous

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers