Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

I would like even faster food.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

I put the I in Insufferable.