I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
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Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.