Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”