I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
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If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.