Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Always the camel, never the toe.

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.