I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
You Might Also Like
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
“Wait, let me explain..”