I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
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Them: Just act casual
Me:
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.