Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

What in the hipster hell is going on here

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast