I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
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Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
im 7 sauces long
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My daily affirmation
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*