I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
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Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year