Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*has no idea what a book even is*

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”