I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
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cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.