Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place