the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
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My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I’m giving up for Lent.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*