I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
You Might Also Like
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥