I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
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An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food