I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
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There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.