Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/ERZqMAjXYAI0j9z.mp4

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?