Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

ㅤ

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic