I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
You Might Also Like
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy