I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”