I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
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urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.